It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
