Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
