it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Randomize
