I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
