cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
