He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
