The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
