based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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