You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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