My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.â€
Randomize
