I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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