I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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