I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
