Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
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Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
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Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt