I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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