another moral hangover. fuck.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."