We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.