Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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