You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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