Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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