ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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