I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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