Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
