idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
