3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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