I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
