The maid of honor just puked.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
