Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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