I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
