Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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