Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
