Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
