so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
