brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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