I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
