and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
