the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
