Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
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Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
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Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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