If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
