im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
