So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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