Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
