just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
