I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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