I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
