I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
