Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
