So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
