all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.