I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
