Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
