Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
