Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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