she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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