who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
