wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
