my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Found the puke drawer
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
