why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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