Heybabeimwearingurpanties
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
