Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
