I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
