Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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