I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
