You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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