3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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