I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
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In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You pole danced in your parka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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