He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
